It Builds Character
–by Reid Olson
Some of the hardest ways to grow is through conflict. In youth ministry we encounter multiple opportunities for growth and maturity of our faith and ministry throughout the year, but they are often not welcomed pathways. I recall my dad saying to me after a difficult loss in our state-championship high school football season, “Son, you win some and you lose some. It’s easy to develop character when you’re winning because you’re on top, but when you can develop character in loss, you’ve truly begun to grow into the humble person God is shaping you to be.” I’ve taken that little thought with me all these years later as I work with leaders and students in their faith process of life’s wins and losses.
Conflict feels like a loss most of the time. There’s often a winner and a loser at the end of a conflict filled conversation. I’m learning to see conflict as a good thing for the lessons that it teaches and the character of faith that can be built:
Iron sharpens iron – it’s not just a brilliant biblical proverb (27:17), it’s also a physical truth. When you strike iron with iron, it causes sharpening of both materials for their better use. Sometimes we need to see conflict as sharpening us, or making us fit for ministry in God’s Kingdom. One of the keys to remember is that we have to be iron to be sharpened, not led or a mixture alloy of one or more metals. When we’re too soft and pliable, we don’t become sharpened by conflict, we crumble and lose the growth lesson.
Our battle is not against flesh and blood – Apostle Paul is right. We battle not against one another in flesh, we battle the enemy of our souls who is dead-set on making us lose our way and keep us from being effective in ministry. The most effective plan of Satan is keep us bitter and unforgiving of those who hurt us. Ephesians 6:16 says, “In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.” All too often the flaming arrows of the evil one consist of a bitterness that stems from an unforgiving heart through loss in conflict. You can’t afford this in youth ministry. It will kill your heart every time.
Balance it with grace - I’ve encountered too much conflict when grace is absent, which leads to hurts that are hard to recover from. But when grace shows up there are some great lessons to learn and ways to grow. Grace in conflict shows up when one or both parties can become aware that conflict is about an issue, or a decision made, not about a person. When it becomes personal, it’s difficult to open the door for grace to enter into conflict. Remember to keep conflicts about third party issues, not persons.
On a recent mission trip to Central America with 18 students and leaders from our youth minsitry, I encountered conflict with a trusted leader on the last night of the trip. I set a curfew and he came back with 7 students well after the curfew had passed. Standing outside the hotel front lobby with my arms folded and ready to “rumble”, he approached the scene with kids in tow and a scowl on his face. With no humility in sight, and no remorse, he threw his best excuses at me and offered to take all the blame. I took the bait and we “sharpened iron” for 30 minutes in front of the youth group kids, who subsequently began crying over the escalated emotions. I wasn’t going to lose as the youth leader, and he wasn’t going to be “dressed down” in front of the crowd. So I dismissed the kids and he and I went at it for another 20 minutes. Something turned in our conversation when we both realized that the enemy of our souls was taking us to task and causing us to miss the point of our youth ministry. We were being overcome by flaming arrows of the evil one. About that time, we recognized the efforts of the enemy and began filling the conflict with grace, sharpen one another, and remind each other that our struggle is not against flesh and blood.
We made ammends right there on the spot, called the kids back together and apologized for our immaturity and wrong display of ego and manhood and committed to walk with one another in youth ministry as we made the growth of our kids the focus. “You win some and you lose some, but when you can recognize that God is working on your humility as a youth leader and character builder of others, you build character.” Thanks dad.
Grace & Peace,
Reid Olson
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